Monogamy vs. Polyamory: Hayley Folk on Redefining Love, Trust and Commitment
Is Monogamy Still the Default?
For generations, monogamy has been seen as the natural foundation of love and partnership. From fairy tales to wedding vows, society has long celebrated the idea of finding one person to share a lifetime with. Yet as the world around us changes, so do our ideas about relationships. Dating apps, shifting gender roles and greater openness around sexuality have encouraged many people to question what love and loyalty really mean today.
Among those exploring new perspectives is Hayley Folk, a writer, editor and content creator based in Brooklyn, New York. She is married, bisexual and polyamorous, and has spent nearly a decade navigating the world of ethical non-monogamy both personally and professionally. Through her platform The Poly Pocket, Hayley creates educational content and community spaces for women and non-binary people who want to explore non-monogamy consciously and responsibly.
“I think a lot of people are starting to realize that there isn’t just one way to love,” Hayley says. “For me, non-monogamy isn’t about replacing one kind of relationship with another. It’s about being honest with myself about who I am and what kind of love feels right.”
Her story reflects a wider cultural shift: people are no longer defining relationships by exclusivity alone, but by authenticity, communication and mutual growth.
Redefining Love Beyond the Binary
The terms monogamy and polyamory are often treated as opposites, but for Hayley, the truth is far more nuanced. While monogamy focuses on romantic exclusivity, polyamory simply expands the capacity for love without devaluing the emotional depth of any one connection.
“A lot of folks think that being ‘poly’ is just having multiple relationships at one time,” Hayley explains. “But by definition, polyamory actually means that someone simply has the ability to romantically love multiple people.”
This perspective challenges the idea that love is a limited resource. For Hayley, love multiplies when approached with honesty, empathy and respect. It is not about seeking novelty or avoiding commitment, but about recognising that human connection can take many forms.
In her own life, this philosophy plays out in her marriage to her husband Kyle, with whom she has practised ethical non-monogamy since the very beginning. “My husband and I are both polyamorous and both date separately and together,” she says. “Unlike a lot of couples who ‘open’ their monogamous marriages as time goes on, my husband Kyle and I have been practicing ethical non-monogamy since we began dating.”
What stands out in Hayley’s story is not a rejection of commitment but an intentional redefinition of it. “We do not own each other,” she says. “We are choosing each other, again and again.” Their relationship thrives on trust and clear communication rather than rules and restrictions, showing that love can be both free and secure when handled with care.
Discovering Polyamory and Herself
Hayley’s path to polyamory was shaped by self-discovery. Raised in a Baptist environment, she followed a traditional path in her early twenties, marrying young and embracing the expectations of a conventional life. But beneath that surface, something was missing, a sense that her own identity had not yet found its voice.
“When I was 21, I got married to a man I’d been dating for a few years. If you can believe it, I was a Baptist college girl, and the way of that world is that young Christian adults go to college as a way of finding their partner: Go to college, meet the person you’ll marry, get hitched young. It’s been coined, ‘Ring by Spring.’ That’s exactly what happened to me.”
At the time, she was doing what was expected, following a path that promised stability and belonging. But as she soon discovered, her inner truth did not align with the life she was building.
“But a year before we got married, I realized something huge: I am bisexual. I had never known that before. My ex-husband suggested we open our relationship so that I could explore that side of my sexuality, and soon after, I fell in love with a woman I was seeing. That’s when I discovered polyamory.”
It was a defining moment that changed how she saw herself and what she needed in relationships. “Of course, our marriage did not last, and not just because he realized he was monogamous and I wasn’t, but it taught me so much about myself. Soon after, I moved to New York City and started dating, where I realized I needed a polyamorous relationship model to feel most fulfilled.”
New York became the backdrop for a new chapter built on honesty and self-awareness. “I remember the moment I first shared it with a woman I was casually seeing. We were drinking champagne on a rooftop, while watching the sunrise, and I told her, ‘I am polyamorous and I really need to allow myself that relationship style.’ From that point on, I told everyone I dated upfront, which was both a choice and a deep need.”
That experience marked the beginning of Hayley’s journey toward radical authenticity. What started as an act of self-discovery became a framework for living truthfully, with herself and with others.
Misconceptions About Polyamory
Despite growing visibility, polyamory remains surrounded by misconceptions. Many still equate it with infidelity or assume it is driven purely by sexual curiosity. Hayley encounters these misunderstandings often and takes them head-on.
“The biggest misconceptions about polyamory, in my opinion, are two things: that polyamory is only about sex and that it means to just date around,” she says.
In reality, polyamory can be deeply emotional and even spiritual. “It is not about having as many partners as possible. It is about building relationships that are honest, ethical and grounded in communication. Some people practice polyamory by having multiple romantic relationships, while others may have just one or two meaningful connections. There is no single formula.”
She also clarifies that polyamory is only one of several forms of ethical non-monogamy. “Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy, alongside things like open relationships or swinging,” she explains. “What makes it ‘ethical’ is communication, consent and respect for everyone involved.”
This distinction is central to Hayley’s mission. Her work encourages people to understand that ethical non-monogamy is not about avoiding responsibility but about creating structures of love based on choice, respect and honesty.
Jealousy, Honesty and Communication
When people hear about polyamory, one of the first questions they ask is about jealousy. How can someone share a partner and still feel secure? For Hayley, the answer lies in communication, not perfection.
“Jealousy is a human emotion,” she says. “It is something we all feel, no matter the type of relationship we are in. The difference is how we handle it.”
Rather than trying to eliminate jealousy, Hayley views it as a signal for deeper reflection. She believes that jealousy can lead to growth when handled with honesty and care. “Communication is by far the biggest thing in poly relationships. My husband and I often overcommunicate, just to say that we have covered all of our bases,” she says with a smile. “We check in with each other constantly, not because we are insecure but because we want to stay connected and informed.”
This level of openness has become one of the greatest strengths in her marriage. It helps her and Kyle anticipate potential challenges before they escalate and ensures that everyone involved feels safe and respected.
Hayley’s approach also highlights something universal: strong communication benefits every kind of relationship.
Are Humans Naturally Monogamous?
The idea that humans are “meant” to be monogamous is often treated as fact, yet history and anthropology tell a more complex story. Hayley takes a thoughtful stance on this debate.
“This might be controversial, but I do not believe that all humans are naturally monogamous,” she says. “Are some? Sure. But not all.”
She believes that social conditioning plays a significant role in shaping how we view relationships. “From the time we are young, we are told that there is only one way to love. That you fall in love, get married, and that is it. But that narrative does not fit everyone. And it should not have to.”
For Hayley, understanding this diversity of human experience is essential. Not everyone thrives within the same relationship structure, and recognising that truth allows for greater compassion and authenticity whether one chooses monogamy or not.
The Rewards and Challenges of Polyamory
Polyamory, Hayley admits, comes with complexity. It requires emotional literacy, time and honesty. But the rewards, she says, are profound. “The most rewarding aspect of being poly, for me, is being able to truly be honest with myself and my partner or partners about my inner self,” she says. “It is about living fully and authentically, not hiding parts of who I am.”
Through her experiences, she has learned that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. “You learn a lot about yourself,” she adds. “There are moments of discomfort, even heartbreak, but they come with lessons about self-worth, boundaries and compassion.”
Polyamory, in her view, is not for everyone, but the principles that guide it like honesty, empathy and communication can benefit any relationship model.
Hayley’s Advice for Those Questioning Monogamy
For anyone who finds themselves curious about non-monogamy, Hayley’s guidance is grounded and practical. “First, ask yourself why,” she says. “Be honest about your motivation. Are you doing this to fix something or to explore who you are? Then move slowly. Take your time. There is no rush.”
She encourages education as the foundation for any exploration. “Read, listen, talk to others who live this way. Learn the language of consent and communication,” she says.
Through The Poly Pocket, Hayley offers a space for women and non-binary people to learn from others who have walked this path. Her goal is to make conversations about non-monogamy less intimidating and more empowering.
Conclusion: Redefining Love in 2025
In recent years, love and relationships have become far more fluid and diverse than ever before. What once seemed unconventional has entered the mainstream conversation, allowing people to ask new questions about what connection, honesty and desire can look like. Hayley Folk’s story reflects that evolution. Not as a trend, but as a reminder that there is no single way to love.
Polyamory, for her, is not a rejection of commitment but a choice rooted in awareness, communication and trust. And that awareness extends far beyond non-monogamy itself. It is about recognising that every healthy relationship, whether monogamous or polyamorous, depends on the same foundations: emotional safety, mutual respect and an openness to truly listen to one another.
At its core, Hayley’s perspective invites us to rethink the limits we place on love and what it means to share it consciously. Because when trust and empathy come first, the form a relationship takes becomes secondary to the quality of the connection it holds.
FAQ: Common Questions About Monogamy and Polyamory
What is the difference between monogamy and polyamory?
Monogamy means having one romantic partner at a time, often within an exclusive, long-term commitment. Polyamory describes the ability or choice to love more than one person romantically and consensually. Both models can be healthy when based on honesty, communication and mutual respect.
Is polyamory just about sex?
No. Polyamory is about emotional connection and intentional relationships, not simply sexual freedom. Many people who identify as polyamorous describe deep, long-term bonds built on trust, transparency and care for all partners involved.
Can polyamory and marriage work together?
Yes. Some couples, like Hayley Folk and her husband, choose to practise ethical non-monogamy within marriage. It requires clear communication, established boundaries and a shared understanding of what commitment means to both partners.
Do polyamorous people still get jealous?
Yes. Jealousy is a natural human emotion, whether you are monogamous or polyamorous. The difference lies in how it is managed. Open conversations, reassurance and self-reflection help turn jealousy into an opportunity for growth and deeper trust.
Is monogamy outdated?
Not necessarily. For many, monogamy remains a fulfilling and meaningful relationship model. What is changing is the assumption that it must be the only one. Today, more people are exploring different ways to form honest, ethical connections that reflect their individual needs and values.
How can I find out if non-monogamy is right for me?
Start with reflection. Ask yourself why you are curious about non-monogamy and what you hope to experience. Learn from trusted resources, talk to others who practise it and be honest with your partner. Non-monogamy is not a solution for problems but a relationship style that requires clarity, consent and continuous communication.
About Hayley Folk
More from Hayley:
Instagram: @hayley.folk / @thepoly.pocket
Photo credits: Hayley Folk; pexels-cottonbro-4980319_70; pexels-cottonbro-5018217_70
