How To Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body: Top Tips for Mindful Sex
Let's be honest: Is your mind always free for sex, or are invasive thoughts living in your head rent-free and preventing arousal? Very often, we can't switch off, and our minds are filled with thoughts about work, arguments, or concerns. Sometimes these worries are even related to sex itself and an inability to perform. This is because sex isn't a purely physical experience. Our state of mind plays an equally important role, and feeling mentally calm is a major part of getting aroused. Stress and sex drive are more closely linked than most people realize, and the more overwhelmed you feel, the harder it can be to experience desire.
Our brains are constantly processing and responding to external stressors. These stressors have a negative impact on the body's natural arousal response, leading to a constant mental chatter that can be difficult to turn off. These stressors trigger cortisol, which leads to a fight-or-flight response. When our bodies and brains are stuck in that mode, we prioritize survival rather than intimacy. This makes it difficult to stay in the moment, connected to our bodies and sensations. So, how exactly do we calm down the nervous system and shift that mindset? If you've ever felt too stressed to get in the mood, many people can relate. In this guide, we'll explore what causes this and provide tips on how to stay present during sex.
Is your brain getting in the way of great sex?
If you can't get out of your head during sex, you're not alone. And this isn't your fault - science is responsible for a carousel of thoughts that can occur during intimate moments. Before we get into how to cut out the noise and how to have more mindful sex, let's dive into the science. Here's how: more than five different parts of the brain are multitasking to experience sexual desire, including the cerebral cortex, the limbic system, and memory.
The way we experience sex depends on whether we feel physically comfortable, along with factors like respect, emotion, how close we feel to our partners, and if we feel safe exploring new desires and kinks openly. If any of these things aren't matching up in the way we need them to, negative emotions can arise, like shame, fear, or guilt, which live in our cerebral cortex. This sequence of events happening in our brain can lead to a racing mind or prevent us from getting in the mood, which can be frustrating.
Our attitudes, habits, and upbringing can also play a role in the subconscious during these times and make it hard to switch off our brains and stay in the moment. Many of us are trained to constantly overthink, and society's idea of 'perfect sex' that always ends in an orgasm (which we often see in movies and other media portrayals) can lead to blocks. It's trained our minds to see sex as a performance rather than an authentic experience. The result? Performance anxiety and unrealistic expectations without communication. This causes us to spiral as soon as that 'perfect' sexual interaction doesn't happen.
What is mindful sex?
Sexual mindfulness is about being completely present in your body, experiencing the sensations without pressure, judgment, or distractions. Goal-oriented sex is the opposite and is about reaching the finish line. But sex is about so much more than orgasm. It's about noticing all the little sensations on the way, from seeing how your body reacts to different types of touch to noticing the rhythm of you and your partner's breath, or even just noticing how your partner's skin feels under your fingers. It's about finding pleasure without performance and luxuriating in the art of slowing down.
Tips for switching off your mind
It can feel impossible to interrupt that cycle of non-stop, circling thoughts. One thought leads to the next, and suddenly it feels like you've spiraled to the point of no return. The more we worry, the more we spike cortisol and keep our bodies in a constant state of stress. Many people with insomnia experience this, leading to an inability to sleep, and the same thought process can prevent arousal.
Communicate with your partner
When we?re trapped in our mind prison, it can be easy to feel alone with all those thoughts and get overwhelmed. Talking it out with your partner can help. This might mean spending time with them before intimacy occurs, decompressing about what's on your mind. Letting it all out to a sympathetic ear can help evict some of those thoughts from your mind. Venting can be helpful, but bringing up the same topic over and over again might also keep you in a loop. You can also practice this without your partner by talking to a therapist or writing down your thoughts for a set amount of time, like 15 minutes. Getting something out on paper can be therapeutic.
But it can also be as simple as letting your partner know when you're feeling unable to connect during intimacy because of these cycling thoughts. The two of you may be able to work together to come up with some coping mechanisms and strategies to help you get out of your mind, some of which we'll discuss below.
Set boundaries between your work and personal life
In the era of remote work, hustle culture, and burnout, many of us find it difficult to switch our brains off from 'work mode' when it's time to relax. It's easy to browse through those work emails or tweak that presentation before dinner or bed. But people don't always need to be productive. After all, tomorrow is another day.
To prevent yourself from doing this (or thinking about work during sex), try writing down a list of tasks you want to forget and work on another day. This will allow you to start the next workday focused and prepared while simultaneously letting you enjoy your free time and live in the moment. You can also keep work materials or documents out of sight and try to go screen-free after a certain time (a movie might be the exception). Put away the laptop and cellphone, quietly connecting with your partner in a work-free zone. Setting boundaries and learning how to say no has power and can give your brain a rest.
If you've experienced a stressful day, exercise can distract you and help relieve that pressure. It can also help to produce endorphins, boosting your mood naturally. If you've had an annoying conversation with your colleagues or boss, go for a jog, hit the punching bag, or head to your favorite workout class. If you don't enjoy working out, you can even go outside for a walk. Being in fresh air (and ideally, around some nature) can help you clear your head and reset.
Establishing post-work routines beyond exercise can help your mind switch to autopilot and prevent decision fatigue. For instance, you can include meditation and mindfulness exercises, which can also help you become calmer and more clear-headed in the long term, leading to more mindful sex.
What is erotic meditation?
Meditation and sex go hand in hand, and erotic meditation is a popular practice that combines mindfulness and pleasure. It involves being fully present and aware of thoughts during the process of arousal, exploring sensations. Focus on the breath, then complete a body scan, bringing awareness to different parts of the body and noticing sensations. You can practice this with your partner with meditative love making, gazing into their eyes, or practice on your own with mindful masturbation.
Mindful masturbation can lead to more mindful sex
Can sex help with anxiety? Sometimes, but masturbation is a more foolproof middle ground to help you have more satisfying sex. Masturbating routinely can help create a more reliable neurological connection between the genitals and the brain. In short, it can help us associate positive sensations with our genitals and bring those sensations into partnered sex. Being present during masturbation and really focusing on what feels good (and how to improve it) allows you to bring that intel into the bedroom with a partner.
Masturbation helps us learn more about our bodies and our desires while reducing the shame that is sometimes associated with our sexuality, whether by our own internal stigmas or those of society. But turning off your mind and focusing on the moment is easier said than done.
Embrace fantasy and role play to get out of your head
If you have a date with your partner later on, ramp up the anticipation by fantasizing about what you'd like to do with or to them. If you're wondering, 'How do I stop overthinking during sex?', fantasies can be incredibly arousing and help you focus on the positive. To add to this, you can send your partner sexy texts or voice notes throughout the day, sharing these fantasies. Some popular fantasies are submission, dominance, or sex with strangers (hello, roleplay!). Speaking of role play, this can be a great way to combine sex and stress relief. Having a concept to focus on can help prevent distraction and keep you present.
Practice foreplay and sensation play
Sensation play is also a form of mindful sex that can help you stay in the moment. If you're asking the question, 'Why am I not horny?' it may simply be because you?re not giving yourself enough time to warm up. People with vulvas may need up to 20 minutes. Foreplay and sensation play can often fall under the same umbrella. Some beginner-friendly forms of sensation play can be using a feather tickler or adding a blindfold to heighten other senses. This can include erotic massage - perhaps give or receive a sensual rubdown with some silicone-based lube in lieu of massage oil for a sensual and slippery experience. You can even integrate a masseuse fantasy into this. Adding an external, tingling orgasm gel like pjur WOMAN Lust to the clitoris and outer part of the vulva can heighten sensation as well, so consider finishing off an erotic massage with this.
Using sex toys to improve chances of orgasm
If you've experienced female orgasmic disorder or anorgasmia, you're not alone. In fact, up to 15% of people with vulvas haven't experienced an orgasm at all. Even with clitoral stimulation, it can be difficult learning how to relax and enjoy sex fully. Using sex toys alone or with a partner can help. Don't forget to use a high-quality water-based lube like pjur AQUA, which can improve sensation and reduce friction, whether you're using internal or external toys. Explore your desires through toys like vibrators, dildos, anal plugs and more.
Don't be afraid to take a (sex) break
Achieving pleasure and a stress-free mind isn't a race. It's a journey that may take your mind, and you might not get it right on the first try. Avoid forcing things, as this will just increase stress. Instead, take a (sex) break. Cuddle up with your partner and watch a movie with some low-pressure caressing. Maybe this evolves into a sensual massage, or maybe not. Don't focus too much on an orgasm or an inability to achieve one. Take a deep breath, live in the moment, and don't worry too much about what comes next.
The long-term benefits of mindful sex
Practicing sexual mindfulness has scientific benefits, according to studies in and out of the bedroom. Bringing intention into your sexual practices won't only improve self-esteem and confidence, but also enhance your overall well-being in and out of the bedroom.
It has the potential to entirely rewire how your brain responds to pleasure and touch. If you're practicing with your partner, it can deepen your emotional connection and improve communication. For those experiencing mental health struggles or dealing with feelings of sexual shame, mindful pleasure can improve emotional regulation and support the healing process. In short, being more present in the bedroom can have a positive impact that extends to other areas of your life as well.
